Looking back...

I am a month away from getting an year older. For the last few days I have been thinking a lot about a lot of things. Where I am, where I am going, where I want to go, and mostly about the choices and decisions that has brought me here.

I have made all sorts of choices. Brilliant to brilliantly stupid. And sometimes I have struggled to take ownership of them. And other times as much as I pretended I didn't regret them, I have. Most of the questionable decisions in my life has been born of thoughts like "there's only one life", "what's there to lose", "you'll never know if you never try", "this will make a hell of a story someday", "maybe this will finally work", I don't think I would die of it", etc.

But ironically most of these questionable choices have led me to some of my best memories, best achievements, best people and best stories (I wasn't wrong there^ you know).

But unqualified glorification doesn't do these choices justice. Many of them have also made me fall flat on my face, left scars(not the glorifiable kind), caused me immense pain, agony, failure and truckloads of issues.

This morning while scrolling through my gallery I came across this picture from last year which I hadn't posted earlier because of how uncannily enormous my neck looks (just look at it!).

But today when I saw it, I was suddenly washed over by a sense of peace.

THAT is what I want to look at when I look back at my life. ( No not the NYC skyline literally, although that would be pretty dope too)

I want to look at a sea of glitter amidst darkness. 

Because try as I might, I can't avoid the dark, the mistakes, the failures, the regrets or the depression.

But look at that view, isn't it breathtaking? Wouldn't the glitter be lost without the darkness? 

Whether I look back or I look around today, I see the glitter all around me. I see some beautiful faces that love me, some stories worth of bucket lists, some successes that fill me with pride and so much laughter! Oh god, I have laughed, and loved and have been loved, so much!

I am not even half way to becoming the woman I want to be at my death bed. She is gonna be epic, believe me you!

But one thing I know, to become that woman, I will not be able to make conventional choices always. And that as cool it may sound isn't always a very cool thing. It brings with it a sea of darkness too. But today I realized I am okay with that. I am okay with taking absolute ownership of all that my choices entail. It has been and will be extremely hard. There are and will be days when I question my commitment to the glitter. But what will keep me going, I promised myself today, is this view, whenever I decide to pause and look back and also at the end, when I am an epic old lady bidding my farewell, I hope this view is what everyone else sees too! And I hope they know I worked very hard to create it and live it and I have loved every bit of it, even the bits I really hated.